Well, I’d like to offer a brief description of what I understand “wounded child healing” to be.

[Note: I’m re-publishing this article as it is still relevant till today;-)]

What is Wounded Child Healing

The “wounded child” is an archetype which contains damaged or negative emotional patterns of our youth. It may help to improve your understanding if we can draw reference from the lyrics to the song “Childhood” by Michael Jackson…

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?
People say I’m strange that way
‘Cause I love such elementary things,
It’s been my fate to compensate,
For the Childhood I’ve never known…

Loving The Wounded Child

Loving the wounded child is about healing ourselves through acknowledging the trauma and hurt that we suffered when we were young and then freeing ourselves from them. As adults, we unconsciously allowed these memories to dictate how we run our lives. Our coping mechanisms were meant to protect us at one stage but they may no longer serve us.

Here is something for you to think about…

The outer story of your adult life, thus far, reflects the inside story of your wounded child.

We hold dysfunctional self images through the stories of our childhood. How we perceive ourselves is pretty much driven by the childhood programming that we have had. Our childhood programming is largely influenced by our caregivers, who represented the world to us while we were young. We form relationships based on what we learn from our parents. Our parents in turn learn about theirs from their parents. So it is in us that we have layers and layers of beliefs, patterns and behavior passed down from generation to generation.

Yet, as much as not wishing to be like any of our parents, we may find ourselves having adopted the same patterns, behavior and attitudes. It often comes as no surprise to some of us on how we end up in similar patterns. We may not recognize it at first but the patterns are the same recurring themes.

Negative patterns essentially bear the same emotional pain energy even though they may take on different forms. Anorexia, obesity or alcoholism may be traced to negative self images perpetuated by our parents during our younger days. It is possible that our current feelings of rejection originate from childhood.

While there are the rare courageous few who rise above their traumas, the vast majority of us carry the wounds of our childhood around. The same patterns manifest in every aspect of our lives; at home, in the office; in the relationships we have with our spouses, kids, parents or friends; or even physically.

Wounded Child Healing: Releasing the Trauma

Indeed, the wounds of your inner child can create much havoc in the relationships you have with yourself and others. Through healing, you confront the archetypal force within your psyche. With confronting rather than stifling the voice, you release the emotional charge that your wounded child holds on to. You recognize that you have been compelled to grow up too fast.

Carrying the baggage of an openly wounded child keeps you living in the past. You keep alive the story of your past of abandonment, abuse, betrayal, rejection, guilt and shame. Your energy resonates the same vibrational pattern. If you have ever wondered why you attract the same type of experiences, herein lies the reason why.

Your wounded child has no awareness of spiritual lessons. He or she may want to stay hurt, angry and vindictive even. You will need to release the energetic story of your wounded child. As long as you allow your wounded child to be in the driver’s seat, you operate from the same helpless space.

Wounded child healing means caring for yourself so that the things of the past no longer hurt you. You realize your need for healing because you are only hurting yourself most of all, when you carry the baggage around. You do this by acknowledging the wounded child within. You call up the little kid for the unfinished business of loving, nurturing and embracing him or her.

You may initially feel resistant to releasing yourself from the pain of your childhood story. You have identified with it for so long that you suspect you will feel lost without one. After all, you need someone or something to take the blame for your current dysfunctional self or life. You are filled with a sense of righteous anger towards your parents, family or friends for the person you have now become.

Giving up the story is going to put you in great discomfort. Your childhood story is essentially a collection of thoughts of the past. You have to realize that you cannot hope to create an empowering life if you do not first release your attachment to an old script.

Freeing Your Wounded Child

For wounded child healing, you may be invited to explore forgiveness. You work on forgiving yourself by letting your inner child that it is not her fault. Also, you may consider if you are willing to forgive those who could have contributed to the situation that you are now in.

Taking one or two steps back potentially gives you a clearer picture. For instance, it allows you to see whether your parents have also been emotionally hurt as a result of their own childhood experiences. They have unconsciously inflicted on you what they have suffered as children.

It also boils down to choice. Think about it this way. Decide which you would rather have: continued pain or ultimate freedom?

Your Thoughts Please

I wrote this article in a series of thoughts on self discovery. My thoughts were sparked due to my own personal healing experiences. [Update] I now offer private sessions where we work on healing and reparenting the wounded child. To find out more about working together, apply for a discovery call here.

Over to you. Do you carry around with you a wounded child? What does your inner child say? If you have dealt with wounded or inner child issues, do share what has worked for you.

In Loving Kindness,
Evelyn Lim

Perhaps, just like how movies portray, we dearly wish that there can be a time machine that can take us back. We would like to have the power to change things right from the start, instead of having to do repair or healing work. If we can change history, a time machine would certainly help. 

Well, as you probably know by now, no amount of wishing is going to enable you to turn back the clock. 

The past took place the way it did. 

And it has influenced the course of your life. 

But instead of feeling helpless, it’s important to realise this: we can take back our power. And doing this helps us to heal our childhood wounds. 

How We Can Reclaim Our Power in the Present 

I’d like to share a quote from my book, Self-Love Practice (available on Amazon)…

“You certainly can’t turn back the clock or time travel to change what took place in the place. Fortunately, while you may not be able to change your childhood, you can certainly rewrite the stories about the past; with a reframe in perspective, emotional release and an energetic reintegration. Healing happens in the present moment, that’s where the power is. The reparenting work involves reclaiming and loving your inner child, creates a shift into wholeness?—?here and now.”

The 3 ingredients to healing and reparenting your inner child are in reframing, releasing and reintegration and they are as follows…

1. Reframing Your Story 

Reparent your inner child from your wise adult self is part of the healing process where you offer guidance on how to look at things from a more positive, compassed and empowered lens. For example, let your inner child know that it’s not that they are unlovable but that their parents were too preoccupied with their own busy lives to be attentive. 

2. Releasing Negative Emotions 

Let go of shame and stop blaming yourself for what took place in the past. If you’ve not had the chance to release all the bottled-up negative feelings, emotional healing can certainly help. Fortunately, it is possible to approach healing in a way that is safe, gentle and compassionate. And you can do it with using EFT tapping too. Using EFT tapping is a great way to heal your inner child.

3. Reintegration Into Wholeness 

Your inner child is that part of your psyche holding on to rejection, abandonment or neglect. You could be having more than one wounded inner child at various junctures too. Through the years, you had unknowingly left them all behind.

It’s not your fault as you needed to function and adapt to the world. Yet, you recognise that your well-being is being affected in the present if you don’t work on healing. Claiming all these parts of you in the now leads you to healing your childhood wounds and reintegrating into wholeness. 

Transformation in the Now

Yes, healing happens in the now?—?and that’s where the power is! 

Indeed, the past is long gone. However, you don’t have to allow a bad past to dictate the present or the future. Learn to take charge on healing your childhood wounds, rewrite your story and set yourself free! 

Need help to heal childhood wounds? Contact me to find out more about working together. 

Love and Abundance Always, 
Evelyn Lim
Transformation Life Coach
Accredited Advanced EFT Practitioner

There are altogether 4 main attachment styles: Secure, Anxious-ambivalent, Avoidant and Disorganised. 

Secure Attachment Style

A secure attachment style is created when there has been a warm and loving bond between parent and child. The child (assuming female) is able to perceive that she is cared for. She feels safe to explore, and experiences little or no anxiety separation as she is aware that her parent will still be there for her when she returns. 

A secure child grows to develop social skills. She is happy to give, take, and share, and she shows empathy to others when distressed. Where she is secure, she tends to face no or fewer problems with forming long-term and intimate relationships with others during adulthood. She experiences little fear of abandonment and finds that she is able to trust her partner. 

[My Comments] No reparenting is required as the inner child of a secure adult is likely to be in great psychological health and well-being. 

All the other 3 styles fall under insecure attachments. 

Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment Style

An anxious-ambivalent child tends to feel nervous and are not able to trust others. She has a fear of abandonment. As a result, she is fearful when she explores her surroundings. During the formative period, her caregiver may have acted nurturing and responsive one moment and unavailable or insensitive the next. The caregiver’s actions may not have been intentionally neglectful but the child perceives an inconsistency. As a result, she gains anxiety and tries her best to seek approval. 

Ambivalence refers to having mixed feelings, thus potentially leading to indecisiveness or uncertainty in adulthood. Those with anxious attachment style tend to be clingy and emotionally dependent on others. They often feel unloved by their partners whilst finding it difficult to love themselves. Consequently, they tend to sabotage their relationships.

Avoidant-Dismissive Style

An avoidant child finds it necessary to protect herself by becoming self-reliant. She holds the view that her emotional needs are likely to remain unmet. And so, she needs to behave like a “little adult”. 

Her caregivers may have disregarded her needs by not being responsive and behaving in a manner that appears to be a rejection. For example, she may have been told to “stop crying”, “grow up” or “you’re acting like a baby”. Hence, she has no outlet to express what she feels. As a result, the avoidant child finds it hard to get into close relationships. In adulthood, she avoids intimacy and tend to shut down any form of attachment. During times of crisis, she often find it hard to cope emotionally and have trouble seeking help. 

Disorganised Attachment Style

Disorganised attachment is a combination of avoidant and anxious attachment. A child with disorganised attachment style often demonstrates intense anger and rage. The fearful avoidant attachment style is often seen in children who have gone through deep trauma or abuse.

During the formative period, the caregiver may have behaved chaotically or unpredictably. There is a huge contrast in behaviour, that puts the child in a lot of fear and the child perceiving the caregiver to be “scary”. The caregiver goes from being affectionate to aggressiveness and back again, without any logical explanation. 

Fearful avoidant children with disorganised attachment face the challenge of having to adapt to their caregiver’s behaviour. They end up confused about how they should act. Another reason for fear is going through trauma that involves the attachment figure. For instance, the caregiver abuses the child (verbally, physically, or sexually) or the child witnesses the caregiver abuse someone else. The child is no longer able to trust the caregiver. 

Those with disorganised attachment styles want to love and be loved but at the same time, they are afraid of letting anyone into their heart. They have a strong fear that the people who are closest to them will hurt them. Their fears often become self-fulfilling. As adults, they are afraid of getting into intimate relationships and can have a difficult time controlling their emotions.

Addressing Insecure Attachment Through Reparenting 

Refer to the graphic for a summary on the 4 attachment styles

Fortunately, it is possible to address insecure attachment styles. You may have started out as being insecurely attached when you were young but through reparenting your inner child, it is possible to become a lot more confident, trusting and grounded. Reparenting of the inner child needs to involve alleviating any fears of abandonment, calming heightened anxiety, creating safety and establishing what healthy boundaries look like.  Each unhealthy attachment style can be addressed with appropriate reparenting strategies, for healing and greater well-being. 

In short, the message is…

“Reparent yourself, so that you can transform your insecurely attached inner child to one that feels safe, holds confidence and one that is able to set healthy boundaries.” Evelyn Lim 

This article is an excerpt from my book, Self-Love Practice, that is available on Amazon. 

Check out my starter online course on How to Reparent Yourself and Heal Your Inner Child >> 

Alternatively, apply for a discovery call to find out more about working with me, so that you can turn your insecure attachments to healthy reparenting! 

With love, 
Evelyn Lim
Reparenting Coach

Well….it is true that you can’t actually see your inner child with your naked eye. It may even feel like you are playing pretend when you close your eyes and attempt to see your inner child. Yet, just because you can’t see something with opened eyes does not mean that it does not exist. For example, just because you can’t see electricity does not mean that it is not working in the background when you turn the lamp on. 

Everyone has an inner child whether they realise it or not. The idea of having an inner child comes from the psychiatrist Carl Jung, who described a child archetype in his work. The inner child is said to have the qualities of innocence, playfulness, and creativity, along with hope for the future. The inner child can also be a source of strength, since early experiences can play a significant part in your development into adulthood. 

But what if the opposite is true?
What if you encountered negative experiences that prevented you from having a happy childhood?
What if the past left you feeling vulnerable, hurt, scared and alone?
Instead of being in a healthy energetic state, your inner child could be wounded. Thus, when childhood experiences negatively affect you, your inner child may continue to carry these wounds until you work on healing. 

My recommendation is to suspend doubt and simply allow answers to arise for inner child work. While it is a fact that the past no longer exists, the inner child is still alive inside you. Sometimes, the inner child may take charge over your adult self especially when you get triggered. It is when you get emotionally reactive and you find yourself reacting from a wounded space. 

Your inner child exists as an energetic form inside your mind. She resides within your subconscious memory. Chances are, you have put her wounds aside in order to function in the world. Yet, she lets you know that she is needing attention by surfacing her issues from long time ago. 

Hence, in order to reach your inner child, you need to create the access subconsciously through your mind’s eye. Some people are able to access their subconscious mind a lot more easily than others. But I’d like to believe that everyone is capable of accessing their subconscious consciously. Giving yourself the chance to relax for deep-level access and trusting yourself intuitively can help a lot! 

S.H.I.F.T. For Inner Child Healing 

For Inner Child Healing, I came up with the S.H.I.F.T. framework so that you can easily remember the steps on what to do. 

S – See your inner child through your mind’s eye. Suspend doubt and simply allow your inner child to present in front of you. 
H – Hold a safe space for her. Be warm and inviting, rather than be suspicious or even judgmental of her. 
I – Identify her feelings and sensations. Ask her to name the emotions she is having and the sensations in her energetic body. 
F – Find out what her beliefs and needs are. Determine what conclusions or beliefs she made about herself and the world and what needs were missing for her. 
T – Take appropriate actions to help her resolve her issues. Ask her what she needs from you right now. For instance, if she is believing that she is unlovable, what does she need from you to let her know that she is lovable. Alternatively, how best can you assure her that she is loved for what she is? 

Hope you find the above tips helpful! 

Learn more about how S.H.I.F.T for Inner Child Healing works by checking out my Self-Love Reparenting starter course. Alternatively, if you need more personal guidance on connecting with your inner child, reach out for a discovery call to find out more about working together. 

Love and Abundance Always, 
Evelyn Lim
Self-Love Reparenting Coach

Connecting with The Energy of Mindfulness

“The energy of mindfulness is the salve that will recognize and heal the child within.” Thich Nhat Hanh

The Path to Reconciliation with Mindfulness

Say, you are seeing your 5-year old. As you breathe in, say the following…

“Breathing in, I see myself as a five year-old child. 
Breathing out, I smile with compassion to the five year-old child in me.” 

You’ve already learnt that child within you is not just you. So there is your dad’s and mum’s 5-year old in you too. You can go on to say…

“Breathing in, I see my father as a five year-old child. 
Breathing out, I smile to my father as a five year-old child.”

You do the same for your mother too. 

If we experience old wounding, he advises us to speak to the child within and say, 

“Darling, I am here for you. I will take good care of you. I know that you suffer so much. I have been so busy. I have neglected you, and now I have learned a way to come back to you.”

In terms of reaching out, Thich Nhat Hanh offers four ways on how we can connect with our inner child: talk, walk, write, and invite.

1. We get into a conversation with our inner child. This is done by talking to her out aloud. 
2. We practice walking meditation with the child within. With each step, we walk with our five-year old for instance. 
3. We listen and write down what our inner child has to say. We may even choose to write a letter to our inner five-year-old. 
4. We invite our inner child into the present moment, so that she can experience the here and now where it is safe. 

Thich Naht Hanh encourages us to speak to our inner child several times a day. It’s how we can get to know what her old fears are by listening. Through having a conversation, we are able to make peace with the traumas of our past. Just as we know that a lotus cannot grow without mud, we learn to embrace pain and suffering. We are able to tell our five-year old that things have changed in the present. 

Reconciliation is possible when we do it with understanding, compassion and love. Mindfulness helps us not to run away but to hold our pain, sorrow and fear. Applying mindfulness, we are to realise that we are safe now and we have the capacity to enjoy the wonders of life in the present moment. 

The Powerful Message of Reconciliation

All in, Thich Nhat Hanh encourages us to find the reconciliation from within. Once we are able to do so, we are better able to reconcile with others. Mindfulness is the path towards reconciliation. 

To make self-love a practice, it would help to cultivate its application as a habit. This means planning for activities that support self-love or care into our calendar. 

“Create a constellation of habits, tiny in size but big on impact.”

– BJ Fogg, Tiny Habits

For instance, we may decide to schedule meditation, emotional healing or mirror work into our time table on a regular basis. Or we may commit to seeing our therapist or coach for emotional or inner child healing weekly. We may decide to incorporate healthy lifestyle choices and we endeavour to show up authentically. Listening to subliminal audios, reading books and journalling on a consistent basis can also potentially help.

The intention is to prioritise such activities. This means that we stop giving ourselves excuses like “no time” or “later”. We may even have accountability buddies to make sure that we keep these promises to ourselves. Where we are constantly triggered, these incidences serve as red flag that our energy tank is being depleted and that it is time to refuel ourselves with love. 

We are what we repeatedly do. Self-love, as a mindfulness practice, involves the consistent application of tiny habits that enhance mind, body and spirit wellness. I make the practice of healthy self-love a priority and I hope you do too 🙂 

Love and Abundance Always, 
Evelyn Lim 
Self-Love Healing Specialist

P.S. Check out the Self-Love Healing Promo Special here. 

EFT tapping for inner child healing involves using our fingertips to tap on specific meridian points on the face and body for addressing childhood wounds. As our physical reactions today could be tied to issues that stem from childhood, applying EFT is effective because unhealed emotions can get trapped and the body keeps the score. Even though the past is long gone, it is possible to heal in the now by applying tapping.

Download this resource page on EFT Tapping for Your Inner Child.

Women often approach me for help to deal with their stress. Their stress can be anything from dealing with a money or work-related challenge, relationship problems, not feeling “good enough”, low self-love to anxiety issues. They would have been holding on to anger, worry, insecurity and frustration for a long time before asking for help. (Understandably, most of us face resistance with getting assistance.)

Some would share about experiencing the same repetitive themes of abandonment and rejection in their lives. Thus, when we get together in a session, we usually begin by patiently peeling off the layers to determine the root cause of their issues. Invariably, we would find out that these issues stem from their past – primarily in childhood. As a result, we are led to working on healing their inner child.

It is often an “aha” moment for clients to realise that childhood trauma does not necessarily arise from a major singular event (such as a car accident, divorce, etc) but it can also come from repeated childhood emotional neglect and disregard. 

A number of clients would reveal that they have emotionally absent parents who are not responsive to their needs. They had hardly been hugged, cuddled, assured or encouraged as children. As they got older, they were also mostly left to their own devices, without much supervision or guidance. Some even had to shoulder the extra responsibility of taking care of their siblings or also, the emotional burdens of their parents.

Growing up, they had no one to share their emotional stress with. They would keep it all inside. If they were to express their insecurities, they would get shut down.

Their feelings were rarely validated by mothers who were insecure and emotionally neglectful themselves. Fathers play a part if they were not responsive or unsupportive too. Their wounds are invisible but would somehow would infect their adult life. It’s why our work becomes helping their inner child heal and to release suppressed emotions. 

By the time clients seek help, they would have hit their 30s-50s. These are critical years where they could have started a family and thus becoming parents themselves. Stress levels could escalate from trying to manage work and family together. 

Here is where EFT tapping comes in.

How EFT Tapping for Inner Child Works 

Almost all the clients I have worked with see the image of a hurt, sad and lonely little girl. The intense emotions held by their inner child offer us an excellent opportunity to use EFT. We work on releasing the range of emotions and bodily sensations by visualising the tapping on the various meridian points for “little Sally”, “little Amy” or “little Wendy” etc until they subside or change.

EFT tapping is helpful for restoring safety and calm to a frightened and distraught child before any cognitive processing can be made more easily. While the inner child is an image conjured in the mind, tapping via visualising the process has been found to be effective. Once calm is restored, we work on helping her process her thoughts. Broadly, this covers reparenting and guiding her with setting boundaries, clarifying values and letting go of beliefs that no longer serve her.

Rewriting beliefs is a powerful process. As I’ve discovered, a belief change at deep levels from “I am not good enough” to “I am enough” or “I’m unlovable” to “I am lovable and loved” brings about positive transformation in rippling effects on client’s situation today.

From applying tapping, the inner child starts to feel lighter, calmer, more free and supported. Due to a belief change, she is also a lot more empowered. She may even start to play, where she had few opportunities previously as a young girl. I’ve got clients with inner child who wanted to go on a swing, run in the playground, or just have fun with neighbourhood friends.

Then, as a final step, we work on reimprinting a new energetic picture that now replaces the old image of a wounded inner child. This new picture is embodied and integrated through an energy healing process.

What We’ve Learnt from Applying EFT for Inner Child 

In terms of takeaways, what is reassuring for clients to discover is that it is not their fault or that they are not weak or powerless.

They might not have had the happiest childhood but they can certainly take charge of their life with greater confidence going forward.

On my end, I fill my notebook with client stories and feedback and what has worked and what hasn’t. Clients often report to experiencing a change from the session itself. However, it is with repeated sessions that they see a change taking place externally. In fact, benefits are amplified even more for those who follow through with consistent tapping in-between sessions. I’ve got clients who made major money breakthroughs as a result of the work we did. Refer to clients’ feedback here.

Benefits of Healing Your Inner Child with EFT 

Inner child work with EFT and energy healing has proven to be therapeutic, powerful and effective. We are working on addressing the root causes to your issues. Benefits include…

– Anxiety reduction.
– Foster greater self-love.
– Improved self-confidence and esteem.
– Better relationships with loved ones. 
– Improved financial well-being and breakthroughs. 
– Enhanced ability to reach goals.
– Greater sense of empowerment. 

Because of the changes I see in my clients, I’ve become more passionate about helping others in this and have also renewed my calling 🙂 As a result of questions from clients, I have compiled a short report on using EFT tapping for inner child healing (click over to download). 

Would like to explore EFT tapping for your inner child? Get started with an online course on How to Reparent Yourself here. 

Have deep-rooted anxiety, trust or confidence issues? Apply for a discovery call if you’d like to find out more about working safely together!

Much love and abundance always, 
Evelyn Lim
Abundance Coach for Women Online
Self-Love Healing Specialist
Certified EFT and Matrix Reimprinting Practitioner

What Happens When We Validate Someone Else

When we validate, we give them a safe space for them to safely share their thoughts and feelings. We don’t apply judgment while actively listening and we are open to hearing their side of the story. At the same time, we are assuring them that it is okay not to feel okay. Our task is to simply let them feel heard, understood, acknowledged and accepted. 

We validate with a nod or sign of agreement or understanding. Sometimes, validation entails listening and waiting for the person to share. At other times, it can be a hug or a gentle touch.

In the absence of validation, the other person may feel as if it is wrong for her to feel what she feels or that there is something wrong with her. It can create misunderstanding and problems in relationships. In fact, invalidation has been suggested as one of the primary reasons contributing to mental issues such as inflicting harm to oneself.

Many children have been taught from an early age that expressing their feelings were bad and wrong. They were not allowed to feel a certain way. Some were even severely punished for expressing their thoughts and feelings. In households where parents don’t model how to deal with feelings, there is an implicit sense of invalidation since no one talks about them. Clearly, there are benefits to validation. 

How to Validate Your Inner Child

Which brings me to how do we go about validating our inner child especially where her feelings have never been acknowledged previously. 

With validation, we start by being present and curious about what our inner child is going through. She may be unable to articulate what she feels at the start. However, we are patient and we allow her to feel safe to experience what she feels. A skilled practitioner can also be on hand to help her identify the emotions that she is having. (Contact me if you need assistance with processing emotions and feelings.)

Next, we nurture her by responding with certain comforting and assuring words or actions that validate her experience. An example of an action is the butterfly hug that we can apply. Some examples of words that we can use are as follows…

Hmm…I hear you.

It does sound hurtful.

It sure seems like you have a lot to deal with.

I know just what you mean.

Based on what you’ve described, am I right that you are feeling this _______?

How you feel matters to me. 

I acknowledge how you feel. 

You did the best you could with what you had back then.

It’s not what you do but who you are that I love.

You are NOT a mistake even if you have made one.

You have it in you to thrive in the world.

I see you. I trust you. I believe in you.

Validate Your Inner Child Often

Give your inner child the essential Vitamin: Validation! 

Start by validating your inner child, so that you can improve the relationship you have with yourself. Validation is a practice in self-love. I suggest validating her as often as you can. The more neglect you have experienced as a child, the more she would need Vitamin Validation. 

When you validate others, your relationships with them will also improve. You can also share with them this article on how validation simply raises mental health and boosts connection.  Learn more about how you can validate your inner child in my online course on How to Reparent Yourself here. 

Shine in self-love always, 
Evelyn Lim 
Self-Love Healing Therapist

Related articles

1. How to connect with your inner child

2. Reparenting Yourself 

3. How to heal 4 common childhood wounds